El Químico Humanista

And as I look back

i notice that these past few months i’ve been between relationships that will never happen. Some for lack of interest, others from lack of intellect. So i should stop pushing things and accept that there is no future on the phrase “what if…” but in the “I will…”. So from now on, I will not accept any more what if guys in my life but the ones that are willing to go on the I will route. It may seem risky and out of my usual comfort zone, but that’s what is all about. I am usually also te what if guy, so for myself I will become the I will guy.

Summer…..thing

So, i gotta talk to u about my summer and school:

Summer was ok, while i was taking a summer class i was trying to go out with someone but it simply didn’t work out. He was too…immature and irresponsible. So he has a pretty rough background with what i would like to call child abuse, he may not see it but i seriously think that his parents were VERY irresponsible with him and his siblings. It was to the point that his mother would rely on ppl’s pity to feed her children because Dad seriously sucked! So since the begging pf the whole deal i notice some red flags on him relying on me or his friends to even get some food. I didn’t mind of buy food really cause i’m not gonna let the kid starve, plus if i’m also getting food for myself it would simply feel too uncomfortable. So since the begging i gave him some tips on handling his money but he never seemed to even try to change it. Plus i told him that i may pay some times but he would also need to pay other times (i’m no sugar daddy). He would be telling everyone he was broke. I get that you can have $$ problems cause we all have at a point, plus we are students so mainly we all are kind of broke all the time, but to abuse of the idea to make ppl pay u is simply tacky. Plus i would notice that the kid after getting his paycheck he would go out and get some drinks, THAT is not the problem, the problem is that EVERY TIME that he went out he had to get hammered. So ok, he doesn’t know how to drink, and i also tell him “u know, u can drink but don’t get hammered all the time, this are tought out there”.

For those who doesn’t know Puerto Rico right now is simply a warzone. Ppl getting shot everywhere for stupid ass shit, our society is simply mentally ill. So u gotta be careful. Maybe its me that I already kind of burned out, i started going out since i was 16 so i simply got over the “overdrinking all the time” thing, plus school has serously changed my priorities, but you read the news, and you simply know that you have to be aware all the time.

So back to the kid, he alwayd drunk dialed me and i ofcourse got worried every time until the nightt hta he told me “why would u go out and drink if its not to get drunk??!?!” and for me that was simply the stupidest thing anyone has told me. Don’t get me wrong, i LOOOOVE to go out, drink and dance with friends, but like i said, u gotta be careful, plus i’m always driving so is rarely that i get drunk. So while he is telling me this he is shouting at his boss and co-workers (he went out with co-workers), calling each other sluts and whatever, and maybe its me but, i can go out with co-workers, but there always is a line, u don’t wanna do anything stupid with them cause YOU KNOW that not only gossip will start at work, but even the boss won’t respect you. And if he/she sees that you don’t respect even urself, then why should them?

So after noticing his behavior school formal semester started and thing got a bit rough cause didn’t had the time to go out and meet him or anything cause i wake up at 6am every morning ang got to school at 8am and normally get out around 8-10pm, so i’m basically all day there. So thats when conversation started to become awkward cause we didn’t share that much, i was always tired plus after noticing that i simply got distant. So we get the change to go to the movies and agree to meet at the food court. Due to the movie tickets line i decided to skip meal (i wasn’t hungry anyway) and get the tickets and told him to eat, but he never did got anything. Once i buy the tickets i see some friends, casually they were gonna see the same movie and then we see the line to get into the theater so i told him once again to get himself something to eat before coming cause i was in another line. Then again, he never did. He comes into line, tells me he is hungry. It seriously felt like he wanted me to feel pity and i simply got annoyed and ignored it. We get into the theater and my friends are going to get some popcorn and ask us if we want something, i say i’m ok, and he doesn’t say anything. At this point i’m simply too annoyed to care. The movie starts-> ends and i drive him home (thats another thing i need to add to my list, get i guy that can get to places). There are some fast foods in the way and he never sais anything about him wanting me to stop anyway until we et almost to his home that there was like a 24hr thing with junk food. Because it was so closed to his house he told me to leave him there that he would walk home. For some reason the whole deal seemed to me at the moment like he wanted me to pay for his food once again. And i simply wasn’t up for it, plus i was not gonna get anything for myself anyway >_>. So that was the last time we saw each other, we became more distant, school started to demand more of my time with physical chemistry class (which i’ll make a specific post about it later on) and research.

So that was my summe….thing. I gotta say he was a very sweet lil guy after all

Que facil es tapar el sol con una mano

Ya mismo viene semana santa y queres pasar otro fin de semana a mi lado. Otros años paso la semana estudiando y los 2 dias que me dan libre pues de igual manera me quedo estudiando. Ejemplo: el año pasado pagaste para que alcanzara un crucero un viernes en una de las isla que visitaba ya que ustedes ya se habian montado el domingo anterior. Pase viernes-domingo haciendo informes de laboratorio y estudiando para examenes que tenia esa semana que le seguia. Asi que este año regresa es semana a tormentar tu bolsillo y mi paciencia. Propones una estadia cerca, te respondo con que no lo hare, pero en mi tiempo libre pasare para estar un rato con la familia. Sigues empujando la idea de que me quede hasta que simplemente explote. Te hablo de la barrera que existe entre nosotros. Deseo tumbarla y sobrepasarla para poder ser mejores uno al otro. Por que lo que no se dice tambien me afecta. Luego me dices que no te interesa hablar del tema. Con esto entiendo que no deseas ser parte de mi vida. Lo unico q te e pedido es hablar las cosas. Luego me vienes con el discurso del amor. NO!!! A mi no me puedes venir con ese discurso de que me amas si lo q haces es ignorar lo q soy. No entiendes al nivel que mi homosexualidad cambia el curso de mi vida personal. No puedes esperar que me siente a tu lado de lo mas comodo cuando tu misma me haz dicho que no me deseas asi y le pides a dios q me cambie.

No me habia dado cuenta de la cantidad de rencor que se encuentra en mi gracias a esto.

Lo que me pides es tiempo y yo el dialogo para poder mejorar esto. Me reprochas diciendome que le puedo dar tiempo a todos menos a ti. No me encuentro comodo al lado de una persona que no desea que yo sea quien soy. Deseo tenerte en mi vida pero lo unico que recibo a cambio es “yo no me trago eso”. luego deduces que mi amor es condicionado cuando yo soy el unico soltando lagrimas. Escuchars lo q deseas escuchar y diversificar a tu beneficio.

Criaste a una persona segura de si mismo y muy apegado a ti. Quiero tenerte a mi lado, no en mi contra. Dialogo es lo unico que te e pedido todo este tiempo pues yo no tengo la habilidad de separa mi percepcion de quien soy en pedazos para complacer a las personas. q facil es tapar el sol con una mano. Simplemente ignorar lo que no me gusta y continuar presentando una sonrisa dia a dia. En estos momentos es que recuerdo que soy un ser humano y no un pedazo de piedra como me gusta pensar aveces. Yo no puedo simplemente ignorar las cosas que me pasan dia a dia y esperar que no me afecten. Soy gran predicador del pensar que cada cosa es por serparado pero lamentablemente soy un ser humano, y lo que la gente piensa de mi y me dice si me afecta. Y mas aun lo que no me dice.

A mi no me vas arrastrar a tu hoyo de infelicidad que se adueña tu orgullo. A mi no me vas hacer sentir culpable diciendome que mi AMOR es condicional y que el tuyo no. A mi no me vaz hacer sentir miserable diciendome que te e faltado el respeto. Para tu poder pedir respeto tienes que tambien darlo, y restregando en cara que yo nunca sere padre no creo que sea la mejor manera.

Somos identicos en tantas maneras de actuar pero nos diferenciamos tanto por nuestras generaciones. Eso no te hace mejor que yo. Siempre tendre en mente que el mero hecho de que yo deseo mejorar las cosas me hace mejor persona que tu.

Feelings

So, several months ago my bff got hearth broken. He is now recovering and i can see how much of a great person he really is. He is ready to move on and explore new things in life. He has this sincere passion and love for others. He has some very clear emotions and he is not afraid of saying what is inside of his hearth, and I envy that. In a healthy way of course.

While he is very emotionally driven I am the total opposite. I like to think of myself as a sour person. Sour in the sense that I have a very dark sense of humor and i am a very pessimist person. But at the same time I am more driven by my rational than any other sense or feeling. He tells me that he look up to me, he wishes that he had some of my crude rational and little did he know that i look up to him.

Maybe is because he has learned to love and I haven’t. I’m still not ready.